Anonymous asked: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

as much as a red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry could carry

Lol. I love you stu and your stories.

marvinfly:

Nigel Paynes birthdays are always good, one of them even led to the loss of my virginity but this is a different story.

I went to Taunton for his birthday one year, thats where he was studying. All of his friends from college where there, i didn’t know many of them but that didn’t bother me, it just means i don’t have to hear about the stupid shit i did all night the next day…. No friends around to tell me. We were all sat in wetherspoons around a big table, people were giving Nige presents.  Someone bought him a Pigapault, a small hand held, gun shaped catapult that fired pigs. Back in these days we could still smoke in pubs, which was fun and smelly. The natural evolution of these two facts is obvious. As people talked amongst themselves, i loaded the pigapault with cigarette butts and fired them across the table at Nige, who was busy, so naturally i was jealous and attention seeking.

I made the mistake of loading a roll up butt. The imbalanced weight distribution sent the butt on a rightward spiral, straight into a girls drink. Only Nigel and I seemed to notice what had happened, everyone else talked amongst themselves still, oblivious to the nicotine-rum cocktail.

The next bit nearly made my head explode.

The girl who’s drink it had landed in had her back to the table when it happened. She turned back and took a sip of her drink, not noticing the butt or looking into the glass. The look on Nigel’s face was priceless, not that his face expresses much. It doesn’t show emotion really. Once i remember him staying over at mine, his face was exactly as it normally is, but slightly paler.. he had a blank expression, declared he felt sick and threw up all over the bathroom. He didn’t look sick. I guess you had to be there. Anyway this girl drank from the fucking glass without even noticing the fag butt in there! It was amazing, when she turned her back again, Nige dove in and scooped out the roll up. 

No one else knew a thing. 

It was beautiful.